The struggle of raising four children as a single mother

Image: Authored by everydayfeminism.com

Mdunge Skhumbuzo

The haze of vetkoek is evaporating from the one-room kitchen. At 5 a.m., the last born, Themba (8), was already awake to watch his mom cooking at the ember light of the prima stove. While sleeping on the floor, Themba unfolded a small hole in his blanket because he did not want his mom to see that he had already woken up. Tholakele Ndlovu is a single mother who is raising four children by selling vetkoeks at the Siyajabula High School.

 

The journey started 20 years ago when Tholakele’s husband, Sbonelo Ndlovu, died in a car accident. She raised her four children in the RDP house located in the KwaNyuswa village. This area is decorated by small hills that also slide to the meadow turfs, where cows & goats are usually sent off to graze. The names of the other three siblings are Anele (13), Nonhle (16), and Vusumuzi (20). 

The teaching of ethics

 

To all her children, Tholakele has implanted the spirit of hard work. She always teaches them about life and says there is nothing that comes for free. Some other women are opting to do prostitution, but she refuses to do that because she wants to protect her dignity. “I think poverty is just a phase. I always tell my girls that, don't ever sacrifice yourself for the sake of money," Tholakele said. 

 

Tholakele believes that men who are raised by women are less likely to be patriarchal. She believes that women cannot teach their boys to become abusive. If you grew up respecting your mother, then it will be easy to also respect other women. Tholakele has two boys and two girls, and they all perform their equal chores in the house. Whether you are a boy or a girl, they all know that it is a compulsory thing to cook and wash the dishes. "I will never separate my house duties for the sake of gender," Tholakele said. 

 

Mother of the village 

 

Apart from home, Tholakele is a businesswoman who survived many years because of her personality traits. She treats the student customers like her own children. Sometimes, she would prepare a stoke of extra vetkoeks because she wanted to accommodate everyone, including those who were buying by credits. Tholakele would not turn away a hungry student. In essence, she is like the mother of the village. Not even a single student has graduated from the Siyajabula High School without tasting "amagwinya Kama Ndlovu" (the MA Ndlovu’s vetkoeks).     

 

    Image: Amagwinya                                                     

 

If students do not want to pay their debts, Tholakele would ordinarily go to their parents and tell them about the liability of their children. Other parents would refuse to pay this debt because they say, 'It is wrong to give credits to the minor students.' Tholakele would also say, it is wrong to give turn away a hungry student. At the end of the day, she always suffers the consequences of sympathizing with the student.

 

However, despite the issue of payback, some other students are loyal to the business. If they take the credit, they also make sure that they pay it back. Over 20 years, Tholakele has kept the same personality traits. Most students said they buy her vetkoeks because of their savory taste and low price. "When I go to school, my parent would generally give me R5. Vetkoek costs R2, so when I buy it, I'll remain with R3. However, on the other side, a sandwich costs R5, so when I buy it, I'll remain with nothing," Mduduzi said. 

 

The teaching of finance

 

When Tholakele does her household budget, she does not keep it a secret. She shows her children everything. “I want them to know how much we have and what we can spend. I know this would give them a lesson. They must not demand anything that we cannot afford," said Tholakele. Tholakele believes that every behavioral practice is starting from somewhere. We don't have to be rich to teach our children about finance, but we can also teach them with little means that we have. 

 

Talk about the taboo stories with the children.

 

Tholakele said she always finds it hard to talk about the taboo stories with her boys. "I always tell them that they must feel free to talk to me about everything. I can talk with my girls about everything, but not with my boys. Sometimes my girls would even tell me about guys who are chasing them, but that is not happening with my boys. We are not talking about anything,"

 

Tholakele believes that even though she cannot take the space of her husband, that does not mean that she cannot advise her boys about life. "I may not know about the tricks of flirting, but I know about relationships, I know about safe sex and all of that," said Tholakele.  

 

Acknowledgments from the teachers   

 

Teachers from the Siyajabula High School said they are blessed to have a mother figure on their premises. "We need to celebrate our parents while we still have them. They wake up every morning to put food on the table. Through hard work, they groom every youngest boy to become a man. They groom every youngest girl to become a woman," said Mr. Dladla. 

 

Tholakele deals with every gale of the season. Tholakele goes to school even when it raining, or hot. She carries the umbrella that shelters the vetkoeks and herself from the weather conditions. "We also need to teach our children about sacrifice. Tholakele has taught me a lot of things. I think she understands that if she wants to support her children, she must sacrifice and get out of her comfort zone. Sacrifice does not only apply to parenting, but it involves everyone. As a student, if you want to study, you must give up a lot of things, which include making a priority between your books and other things." Mr. Dladla said.